It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
