The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
