YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
