tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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