If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
