I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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