I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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