There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
