i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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