Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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