i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Of course I have a pirate flag
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
