Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
