I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
