Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
