The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
