Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
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...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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