Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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