Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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