Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
