Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
