RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
