Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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