Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
