i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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