Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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