OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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