I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
