After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
