If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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