currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
