I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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