Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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