I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
