Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
