JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
