I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
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WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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