I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
