I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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