someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
