if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
