Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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