he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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