Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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