saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
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