Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
foreskin is a definite game changer
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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