I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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