Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
