I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My feet surprised me
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
