Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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