My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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