Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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