I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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