You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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