I cannot find my penis.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The power of my boobs compel you
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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