nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
