He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I just gargled with NyQuil
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
