Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
