you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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